TRUMP FIRES CABINET

Trump fires his entire cabinet before inauguration

By Breaker Breaker

In a shock move that will stun millions of Americans, President-elect Donald Trump has fired his entire cabinet before they have been sworn in, and replaced them with some truly iconic Americans plus one that looks like an influential foreigner.

The shock announcement, a few minutes ago, has taken political observers and insiders completely by surprise. New York Times chief White House correspondent, Peter Baker, was almost at a loss for words when approached for comment by Breakingspews. “I can’t really tell you very much at all,” he said. “All we’ve got at this point is a bunch of photos without names. I guess you’ll just have to figure out the names yourself.”

Perhaps our readers can put names to the faces. Otherwise, everyone must wait until January 20 to find out who they are. However, we did hear that Trump has sent Pence to Detroit to ask Henry Ford to take up the appointment as Secretary of Transport. We find this rather odd because, for some time now, Mr Ford has seemed reluctant to appear in public.

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SANTA AT SOUTH POLE

Christmas 2066 will be a Christmas like no other

The Church of Climate Change (CCC) has been spreading this alarming warning for years. Every year since late last century they have been predicting that global warming will force many changes on the world if humanity is to survive.

Finally, it has happened. Santa has announced that as from 2066 he will no longer be able to operate from the North Pole due to the total melting of the ice cap that sat securely over the Arctic Ocean for thousands of years. Instead, Santa will relocate his charity to the South Pole where it will become a land based operation.

When asked about the future of his reindeers, the tubby old gentlemen chuckled for a moment before turning serious. “That could be a major problem,” he said. “If they can’t fly through the warm southern air, I may have to try penguin power. I understand penguins are more suited to the southern terrain than reindeer. We’ll just have to wait and see. Ho ho ho.”

Some observers have claimed Santa’s move to the South Pole is the most significant event in world history since William the Conqueror routed the English a thousand years ago, in 1066.

But the Church of Climate Change have claimed many of their other predictions have been accurate too. They say they warned the world that all motor vehicles had to scrapped by 2020, and all electricity had to be turned off by 2025, if humanity was to survive.

Governments everywhere ignored all the warnings until it was too late, they say.

The United States, Russia and the European Union did not act until 2048, and only because someone discovered a 1948 first edition copy of George Orwell’s science-fiction novel 1984. The politicians suddenly sat up and took notice, but it was already too late. Economic chaos gripped the world leaving billions unemployed and starving.

It took a Trump to come up trumps with a brilliant idea to hide the bodies. US President Donald Trump Junior, son of the president who was impeached in 2017, devised a plan with the military to bury the bodies deep in space using solar-powered spacecraft. It is rumoured that when presidential candidate Chelsea Clinton heard of the program, she prepared to spill the beans in a major campaign announcement. Trump is believed to have silenced her with a seat on the first flight into space. She hasn’t been seen since 2049.

Meanwhile, due to climate policy the population of the world has been reduced to just under half a billion. For those with an income, a cave can be rented for US$10,000 a week and a wealthy Mongolian, who has a dozen caves for tenants, has just invented a thing he calls a wheel.

However, the state of the world and the reduced population must be a blessing for the aging Santa. He won’t need to work nearly as hard as in the old days.

WORLD’S LONGEST TUNNEL

Shock announcement: The world’s longest tunnel to be built DownunderNew Zealand Earthquake

In a shock announcement, today, the New Zealand government says it will soon call for tenders for the construction of the world’s longest road and rail tunnel.

The Kaikoura Tunnel in the South Island will carry four lanes of road traffic, two lines for rail traffic and a cycleway for tourists. It will run from Hundalee in North Canterbury to just south of Blenheim near Cook Strait and will pass beneath the Seaward Kaikoura Range. At 157 kilometres long it will be exactly 100 kilometres longer than the just completed Gotthard Base Tunnel in the Swiss Alps.

In a joint press conference, a few minutes ago, the Prime Minister Bill English, Minister of Infrastructure Gerry Brownlee and Transport Minister Simon Bridges said that the $84 billion project would be funded from the sale of Lotto tickets. They said they had been working on the plan all night in Bellamy’s Restaurant and the tunnel would open to traffic with fireworks displays and a national holiday on the 5th November 2020.

United States President-elect Donald Trump has already offered to send Barrack Obama and Hillary Clinton as prison labour, along with 10,000 Mexicans and 15,000 Muslims. Mr Trump also said he could recommend a Russian man who would be an excellent project manager.

Mr English also said that the tunnel would be built to withstand an earthquake measuring up to 11.5 on the Richter Scale. It would therefore be the world’s first indestructible structure and would resemble an underground version of the Panama Canal with its series of lochs, in this case with a series of fire-proof doors. The massive steel doors would be known as Titanics.

Mr Brownlee said it is the only way for New Zealand to have earthquake-proof roads and he would put his weight behind more being built in the future. Mr Bridges was a little less upbeat, however. Apparently because, after agreeing to the scheme, he realised that with tunnels there will be no need for bridges.

 

 

 

 

 

 

First blog post

OSAMA BIN LADEN ALIVE

Osama bin Laden living in South America

Decoy half-brother killed by US SEALS

Reports are coming in that Osama bin Laden, the former leader of the al Qaeda terrorist organization, has been found living in a middle-class Rio de Janeiro suburb. He is reported to have fled Pakistan just hours before the US mounted Operation Neptune Spear to kill him and may have been tipped off.

Osama bin Mohammed bin Awad bin Laden means son of Mohammed, son of Awad, but to America he was their most wanted a son-of-a-bitch. Osama was born on March 10, 1957, in Saudi Arabia and it was believed that he died in his secret mansion in Abbottabad, Pakistan, on May 2, 2011. But that history has been debunked. Bin Laden, the great survivor, has triumphed again and made fools of the West and President Obama.

However, opinions vary on how Osama learned of the SEAL raid with some sources suggesting that Osama and Obama are cousins, and that Obama may have been the one who tipped off Osama about the raid.

Osama’s half-brother, Dum bin Mohammed bin Awad bin Laden, now seems certain to be the one that was killed during the SEAL operation. He hasn’t been seen since 2011.

Meanwhile, the former First General Emir of Al Qaeda now lives a quiet life in Brazil as Shamus O’Toole with two of his six wives and seven of his 26 children.

He works as a security consultant and has converted to Catholicism.